Look At Me

I never believed in angels until I met him, an angel who fell. Though he’s not with me anymore I still think about him everyday. He helped me see the light in the day again. I owe him a debt I can never repay.
A little girl maybe ten cries over a gravestone. Tears seep through her palms and onto the marble. The gravestone says two names.

            In Loving Memory of David and Grace Willow.
Loving Mother and Loving Father

1985-2005 DW
1984-2005 GW

The dream is interrupted by a steady beep. I wake up to smell medicine. Looking around I see a white room with white titles. Wires are connected to my arms and hooked up to machines.

My body is weak like always when I end up in these places. It’s a hospital. With the little strength I have tears come out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I failed again.

“Don’t cry.” I hear a voice say out of nowhere and look around. A man my age walks to me. He wears normal clothes. He doesn’t work here. Who is he?

“Who are you?” Where are the nurse? How can they let a random stranger into my room.

“My name is Lukas Light. Just call me Luke.”

“Why are you in my room? I don’t know you.”

“I don’t know you either but that’s okay.” He grabs a clipboard from by me bed. “Raven Willow. Nice to meet you Raven.” He flips a page and flinches. He flips the board over to me so I can see it. “Eight times you were in here all for the same thing. Suicide. Why?”

“I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”

A nurse comes in and ask me how I’m doing. I shrug her off and she helps me sit up. I find it strange that she didn’t mention anything about the guy she didn’t even look at him.

“Hey do you see him.” I point to where he stands.

“Are you sure you’re okay. You’re hallucinating.” She says concerned.

“Yeah I must. I’m fine now though, I don’t see him anymore.”

She leaves reluctantly. “I’m a ghost.” He burst out when she closes the door.

“Yeah I got that when she didn’t see you. I may be suicidal but I’m not crazy.”

“I’m shocked usually people freak out when they learn I’m a ghost.”

“I’m too tired to deal with you. You could be a zombie for all I care about. Now leave.”

“No.” He says walking over and sitting on the edge of my bed.


“I’m a ghost and I’m stuck in this world right now. I thought I might as well have some fun and you just so happened to be my target.”

“I already hate you.” I snicker.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you in a two weeks.” He disappears in thin air. I thought he would leave me alone but I was surely mistaken. In two weeks he came back around.

“Get out of my house you freeloader.”

“But your house is so nice. Please just let me stay here for a week.” He begs.

“Whatever. You’re giving me a headache. Stay if you like.” I go to my kitchen and open my medicine cabinet. He whistle behinds me.

“These are all prescribed. One, two, three.”

“There are only twenty.” I burst out picking a bottle and pouring out three tablets, washing them down with water. “I’m going to bed get comfortable.”
With her being asleep I take the advantage to rummage around in her apartment. I find a box closed with nails and wrapped ten times with sharp wire stored in the attic. I put my hand through the wood and take out photos or a small kid with their parents. Then photos of the kid alone and the parents together, alone and when they were younger.

I take the photos and hang them on the hallway walls. Next I go in her cabinet and take out all her pills. Most of these are for anti-depressions. I didn’t know there were so many different kinds.
I wake up. I didn’t have a dream. It’s good I have medicine. I open my door and my heart races. I start to breath heavily and fall to the ground. I close my eyes tightly as tears burn out. I cover my ears with my hands. No I don’t want to hear the voices.

“Come on Raven.” A vision of my Dad’s hand extended out to me comes to mind.

I open my eyes not wanting to see it and come face to face with their pictures and the girl that died.

No matter what I do, close my eyes or keep them open their always here. I scream scraping my throat and burning my lung.

Hands grab my arms and push me down. I land on the ground with a thud. “Look at me and only me.” Luke shouts at me. “Breath. In and out. In and out.”

I do as I’m told and my body stops shaking. My breath even outs. “Don’t scream.” He says shakily. A tear falls onto my face and he puts his head into the crook of my neck.

I didn’t know ghost could cry.

It’s been five days since my panic attack. My apartment actually looks like someone lives there. Pictures hang on the walls of my childhood. I threw out my medicine and blades. I even painted the walls. I smile remember how Luke helped me make my house look like me. I still never told him my story and he never told me his but that’s what made me accept his advice more than others because he wasn’t trying to force me to tell him.

I thought he was kind of annoying at first though. I never thought he would show me to not be scared of the dark but to embrace it. We would talk for hours and I would never get bored. When I would burst into tears or have an attack he would be there telling me to breath or whispering things like it’s okay or look at me. He even told me to express myself in an artistic way. I didn’t think I would be good at drawing.

I look down at my sleeve tattoos filled with flowers. They cover up my scars. No they don’t cover up my scars, the scars will always be there, no they just show how much that I grew.

I look at the sky. I never watched the sunset before. It always scared me. I sit outside on a bench. When the sun sets I get up and start to walk. Thunder crackles over head and it starts to rain. I shiver as I only wear a shirt and pants.

“Raven where are you going? It’s raining.” Luke says behind me. He must of saw me leave.

“I’m not stopping so you better follow.” I yell behind me.

We end up at a cemetery. I walk to the two gravestones. I haven’t been here since ten but I can never forget the path. I sit in front of the graves and so does Luke.

“When I was younger we were taking a trip. We were fine but someone was driving this truck and they were drunk. Before my Dad could do anything the truck smashed into our car and flipped it over. They died and I lived.” I laugh running my hands over the names. “I shocked the doctors since I was barely a body. Of course living came with sacrifice. I lost my left lung, broke exactly fifty three bones in my body, and had panic attacks almost everyday either hearing their voices, having dreams about them or the crash, or just a simple memory. I wished when I was younger that I would die everyday. When I healed it was to one foster home to another, no one wanting the broken doll. Until I was eighteen and left on the street. I did have a job luckily, getting an apartment with rats.”

I point to the empty space next to their plots. “When I saved roughly two thousand dollars I spent it right away. See the empty plot next to them. That’s mine. I bought it for my nineteenth birthday present.”

“I’m sorry.” Luke says looking at the plot and not me.

“Why are you apologizing?”

Luke gets up and takes off his shirt. Two jagged lines go down his back. “In 2005 I was an angel of death. I was suppose to bring all three of your souls into heaven. Your parents begged me to let you live. It was against protocol but I let you live. When I went back to heaven I was ripped of my wings and thrown out of heaven.”

“Look at me.” I say softly. He doesn’t move nor does he look at me. “I said look at me!” I yell. He turns his head and I see small tears roll down his face.

I grab his face and put his forehead to mine. “Don’t apologize. I don’t want pity. People have been trying to give me it even since I was ten and I always rejected it. Just thinking that my parents wanted me to live beyond them just gives me another reason to live.” I get up and put my hand out to him.

“Let’s go home before I get sick.” He grabs it and I pull him up.
The sun is setting when I watch as the truck smashes into the smaller car. The smaller car flips and parts fly off of it. I go up to the car and grab a man and woman souls first. The woman and man look at each other. They don’t say anything but stare at each other. That’s understandable they just did die but then they do something strange. The nod and turn towards me.

“Can you do us a favor?” The woman speaks. “You see our little girl in the back. She’s our daughter can you let her live?”

That’s impossible. I know it is. That would be treason. I go to the girls side not considering their word when I slip up. Instead of grabbing her soul through her chest I touch her forehead. Her emotions flow through me body. For the first time since becoming an Angel tears fall onto the ground. I’ve touched people’s foreheads by accidents before but this the first time that I cried.

I turn around from the body and grab the man and woman. “Fine. She’ll live.”

I don’t remember much after that. Not when I came back, the trail, not even when I fell but I remember my wings being pulled off. It didn’t hurt but it made me be able to breath again. I felt human again. Then I remember visiting her in a hospital and she screamed for what seemed like hours. Panicking and in pain. Yeah she was the only one I met that made me cry.

I wake up being shaken by two sets of hands. “It’s time for you to come back. You served your sentence.”

“Okay just give me a second.” I write a note and in between look at the woman and man looking down at Raven with smiles on their face. Snapping a picture I place the camera and letter on her bedside table.

“I’m ready Mrs, Mr Willow.”
Lily Willow
I look at my Mom’s grave. Instead of crying I smile. I read the back of her gravestone, She said it was letter from her one and only true love.

Your scars does not mean your weak, your tears does not mean your broken, your panic does not mean you failed, your scars are not your mistakes, you know what they mean to me. They mean you’re strong and that you have grown. You have blossomed like the flowers on your arms.

My Mom was always weird she took chance on me the one girl who has been to multiple homes for my own panic attacks and social anxiety. She had one room just for a single painting. I went in their after her death. It was one whole wall covered, a painting of a guy with black wings that shined. It brought you to tears and you didn’t know why. At the bottom of the painting it had the words My Only True Love and a saying. If you’re scared of the dark then light a match it’s as easy as that. One wall had a girl holding her parents hands with the words Don’t Forget. One wall had a two people looking at each other with the words Look At Me. The last wall has flowers surrounding a girl with black wings that glows like the guys with two set of words I Can’t Imagine Living Without My Battle Scars and My Scars Will Always Be There They Just Show How Much I Grew.

It’s like her life in four pictures. “I hope she’s happy with her love.”
“Can I tell her?” Luke says next to me.

“No.” I say bluntly. He pouts and I smile. “You can tell her when she dies. Let’s not show her the after life till she’s ready.”

“Oh, look who has learned.” Luke smiles giving me a light kiss.

“Whatever.” I lean on his shoulder and we talk watching the sunset for the hundredth time.


Angels Don’t Always Have Halos #1

Series:Lessons For The Imperfect Gods

She wore a white dress with a purple cape. The cape was dazzling, it shined like the brightest of amethyst. You’re probably wondering who is this girl. She’s called the worst of Gods. She’s the God of Vanity, Greed, Selfishness and Narcissism but likes going by the God of Vanity. She takes but never gives.

She sits on a throne that’s gold encrusted with diamonds and the most intricate of designs. She has a ring in each finger from past lovers that she forced to get her the rings and at the same time she took all their money. When they were penniless and asked for her help she was already gone.

She doesn’t believe in love no matter how much the God of Love tells her it’s real; she just sighs and says that no one can be good enough for her. So she plays with the hearts of mortals and Gods all alike. She loves money and anything luxurious.

Of course being a God means she rules a kingdom filled with the finer materialistic things in life. Each person being crude and egotistic but not as worse as their ruler.

Her brother would just look at his sister’s party animal behavior and shake his head. Being the God of Selflessness they always clash.

“Just look at your kingdom and people.” She would laugh. “They would give their lives for another person. They would do it even for a stranger, it’s stupid. It’s repulsive.” She would growl.

She could never understand why he brother was so nice and caring. It’s his life nothing is binding him to these people. He has no reason to help them and gets nothing out of it.

“Look at your kingdom and people.” He would snap back. “All egoistic it’s disgusting. It’s inhuman how they would get rid of their children for a new necklace or a car.”

They hated each other but yet they were one side of the same coin and couldn’t get rid of each other. What the stuck up sister couldn’t admit because of her pride is that she was scared. Scared that one day her brother would disappear and she would drive humanity in the Middle Kingdom to shreds. They didn’t need her and she knew that, all she does is cause problems.

They were once human and when they were alive she knew she was a bad sister to her brother and she’ll regret that. She wants to make it up to him but even when they died she still acts the same.

“I really didn’t learn.”

The Goddesses lounges across her throne when a messenger of the Kingdom of Modesty comes to the Kingdom of Vanity.

“Your brother is in danger the gate became loose.” The messenger says frantically.

“What gate?” The Goddesses says straightening up in her throne.

Arriving at her brother’s Kingdom surrounded by black souls. The Goddesses got informed by the messenger as they rushed over to the Kingdom.

She opens the large doors and see’s her brother chained to his plain throne. She instantly starts to yell at him. “Why are you protecting me. I can deal with my own creations.”

The Goddesses looks into the eyes of her shocked brother. The God of Selflessness took a vow when he came before his sister to hold back some of the worse of the souls causing himself pain over the years, making even an immortal being to die inside.

“These souls weren’t created by you but by the God before you.”

“That doesn’t matter. I took over their powers what they made becomes part of me like the title. I need to fix this.” She looks straight into the eyes of her brother and speaks softly.

“You can’t move so once in our lives I can do something for you. Just promise me you’ll find me again.”

She moves to the middle of the room to see a hole in the ground.

“Are you the new sacrifice?” The souls say.

The God of Vanity isn’t a title of luxury. You aren’t a God you’re a sacrifice to this evil. She knew this when she took this unwanted position, it was just an endless waiting game. Now she knows why she hasn’t suffer.

“I wasn’t supposed to be the God of Vanity, I was supposed to be the God of Chances but I knew that wouldn’t make up for not being there for your life brother. I’m sorry I ran away when I got the chance and I never came back. I’m so sorry.”

“You did nothing wrong sis. I ran away right after you and felt terrible because when I ran away I became a savage just trying to survive. When I got a chance to have a family I took it and I had a pretty good life.”

“That’s good to hear but I wish I would’ve took more of the punches from the bullies at our foster home.” She laughs looking down at the hole. When she looks at her brother tears fall down her face. “Bye.” The souls wrap around her body and turn to chains dragging her down. The hole closes and the chains turn to ash around his body.

“I’ll find you.” He says looking at the once endless hole.

Time slipped through his fingers without him knowing it. Even when a thousand years have passed, he still hasn’t found her and still searches for months at end without stop. It was just a normal day at the office, shuffling through files he turns around to his desk to see a his sister sitting on top of his documents.

Her white dress has turned to black, skin tight pants with a black button down and purple tie. Her eyes, hair and tie is a stunning purple like her cape. A chain hangs from her hips. She wears boots laced tightly.

Dropping the files he brings his sister into a hug. “Where have you been?”

“In the UnderWorld pretty nice down there. I was chained somewhere for a couple hundred years while I faced some demons and finally got some closure. Finally the chains broke when I accepted that I am flawed and not absolute. Then I claimed and fought those souls and well now I’m back, though I will say I look really different.”

“Why is your summary horrible and why are you so nonchalant about it?”

She smiles. “Because one of the souls I met down there asked why I sacrificed myself. I didn’t have to save you I was the God of Vanity. I told them that while I could care less about other people there’s one person I would give my life for and that was my brother. The soul made me a deal to actually take care of the souls and spend thousands of years down there in exchange that one day I get to come back to my brother. I accepted and here I am.” She stands on the desk.

“Though I’m still the God of Vanity, I now have an understanding of perspective. Listening to thousands of people lives and to put those souls to rest each day you learn something. I told the soul I made the deal with my mortal story and immortal story and they said something. ‘You sacrificed so much for your brother both alive and dead and you still think you failed. Listen and listen closely from what I learned from being here for so long is not all angels have halos.” She starts to laugh.

“I never knew that brother. Come on let me show you what the souls kept telling me.” She takes her brothers hand in hers.

“And what would that be?” His voice raises with suspicion.

“To be free. To just go with it and do whatever. To not worry what would happen the next day. No thinking twice, just instincts. Come on it’ll be fun.” She runs out the Kingdom dragging her brother along.

A soul sits on the desk watching them run through the flowers, grass and clouds. Laughing. They remember the mortal children that would play happily.  Tears falls on the ground a smile on their lips. “Not all Angels have halos but not all Devils have horns your majesty.” The person falls back on the desk and their body turns into nothing but black smoke.

There was something else in their deal. The shadow only approached the God and was nice to her based on one fact unlike all the other Gods she choose this position to punish herself not because it was chosen for her. The shadow knew she could ask for selfish wish from this God. She asked for a name and the name she was given even though being a shadow that will always mean darkness she was given the name Light.

Though it would take a thousand years for her name to mean anything.